Blessed is (s)he who mourns

I need to stop being afraid to acknowledge and share my feelings of loss, hurt and pain. In doing so, I’ll be better able to welcome comfort, go through the grieving process and heal so that I can live a life without the burden of silent suffering.

I need to understand that even strong people get hurt and deceived and that expressing my pain doesn’t make me weak. By sharing my pain with people I care about I’ll build stronger relationships and trust. If I don’t trust others, they’ll be more hesitant to trust me, and all my relationships will plateau.

When I fail to show these completely natural emotions, I appear cold-hearted. Failing to acknowledge or share my sadness and hurt could, in fact, lead to a hardening of my heart and hinder my ability to develop meaningful relationships.

I need to stop being so afraid of getting hurt because otherwise I’ll never get that which I fear and crave most: my life partner.

Friends: What I've Learned

We all bring something precious and unique to our relationships. Learn to discover that in others, value it and learn from it.

We can't chose where we come from or how we're raised, but we can chose how to respond to the lives we're given.

We can chose to remember that attitude and effort matter more than background; although, learning about someone's background can certainly help in developing a better understanding of him or her.

Give others a chance to understand and be understood. Learn to respect what others go through without downplaying what you've been through.

We only know what we learn, so ask a million and one questions, otherwise you'll make assumptions, enforce stereotypes or ignore that which doesn't immediately affect you. You'll never know who or what you might be missing out on.

She panics

She panics, panics, panics – unsure why:

Anxiety, unvalidated fears…

She asks herself what’s wrong: There’s no reply.

There’s just the silence that assaults her ears.

Her mind, so frantic – searching, finding not

Her heart beats violently, her breath comes fast

And now she wonders: Why does she feel caught?

What triggered this and when will it have passed?

Confused and nervous, scared and overwhelmed

She crawls in bed and pulls the covers tight

She grabs her pillow, wanting to be held

And then she reaches up, turns off the light

The stress of being anxious wets her eyes,

This girl who now breaks down, breaks down and cries.

Frustration: What I've Learned

Treat every frustrating situation as a test from God – have patience and see each individual as someone God loves deeply, someone He wants to hold close. Remember that each child of God will meet Him one day and account for each of his or her actions.

Instead of feeling vengeful or wronged, see the situation as an opportunity to gain favor in God’s eyes and feel sympathetic for that person because he or she will one day have to account for his or her wrongdoing to the Lord.

Over time, doing this will soften your heart until it becomes natural to want to pray for your trespassers, rather than wanting to trespass against them in return. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, NOT AS THEY DO TO YOU.

Sex =/= Love

At times I’ve believed that if someone had sex with me that he cared for me. If he was willing to touch me physically then I believed he wanted to touch me emotionally.

At other times I’d tried to convince myself that sex was just a hobby – something fun to do. I tried to keep emotions out of it but that left me feeling more alone than ever. I’d go into sex expecting, wanting, needing a connection with someone who cared. But I’d leave sex with the realization that I didn’t have a connection with him, I didn’t like him and that he didn’t care about me - he just wanted me to put out.

It hurt a lot to realize that I’d been used like that and that all I meant to all these guys was… nothing. I was useful when they were horny but in the way if I wasn’t.

Devil =/= Tooth Fairy

I spent very little time in churches when I was younger. I only went on Easter and then for a little while in my senior year of high school and I don't remember ever hearing about the devil in any of the churches I went to (probably because I never stuck around long enough). Needless to say, my mom was my only consistent spiritual guide for most of my life.

For as long as I can remember, I've not believed in hell because that made more sense to me with the little knowledge I had of God and with my innocent little heart that didn't think it possible for a loving God to punish good/kind people and send them to hell just because they didn't believe in Him.

I do believe in the devil, but it's a developing belief and one that I'm struggling to be comfortable with because for all my life, until I started talking to you and going to small group, the devil was just something that kids dressed up as for Halloween. For most of my life, the word devil was used as a joke around me, either by friends or family. So talking about the devil as a real being is unfamiliar to me and kind of uncomfortable. It just feels weird, like I’m trying to believe in the tooth fairy. I know I'll get over it as I get further through the bible and spend more time in prayer, though.